Tumultous times

Tumultous times, tumbled, mixed up...

Only thing that is going on well these days is things between my beau and I. School is no good, volunteer work is no good. Ok, 1 more, friends are good, too.

I've been washed up at work. Work not done properly although I have been putting in really long hours- 12 to 13 hours everyday in school. And I've been working with sincerity and real effort. I couldn't really explain why the work is not done, despite feeling that everything has been done. And so I felt very indignant when I was summoned to the row. I think it unfair- if anyone think they could do better, please take over, stop telling me what I should do. I know, too, what could be done. But if they can be done as easily as said, I would have done and implemented long ago. Do I look stupid or slow?

Kidsread is stopped. NLB gave me a call one evening and said that WRL and JRL do not want to host Kidsread any more. Period.
So, all the hope of having more literate kids have came to an end for now. 3 ways I can look at it: It's good as well that this is stopped now, then I can have more personal time and time for work, sooner or later it will have to come to an end, since I can't think of a way to create an everlasting system; look for other parties to collaborate with and plough in ever more effort to get it started again. Bottom line is, what is going on? Is it so difficult for libraries to host it? Every volunteer are busy people and we contributed our time...

This is a low in my work life. I regard studying in the past and working now as all the work life. Since they are not things any normal person would do, if not in this world. Study and work is not a choice, it's a societal expectation. Surely for basic survival, one need not study and work they way our society's people do. No matter, low it is. The first low was in pri 3 I remember. That was when I stole from my father to give to my friends, I literally distributed wealth! (but not mine) The lesson from that was that with money, people come. Cos after I was caught and caned big time, those recipients didn't neared me the way they did.

Second low was in pri 5. I was the 2nd last in class. That was a wake-up call. I was so angry with myself, I went to the backstage and broke some wooden sticks to relief that rage. I worked diligently the following term and came in a decent 20+. It was a competition to better one classmate or another from then on.

Third low was sec 1. I failed my Math in SA1. I didn't quite realise that until some time later. I slowly picked up from there to be more seious in studying.

After O levels was when I turned hateful. My father was trying to control me and had comments for 9.8 of 10 things I did. I couldn't care much after that.

Last low before this was during NS when I sustained an arm injury and got out of course. A song motivated me then: When the whistle blow, silence everywhere! And the flag goes up, in the battalion square! I want to be, Commando ah! Just like the others in the battalion square!! Oh echo, oh echo all around! Commando is on his way now!!

The current low is with 35 kids. I really don't know how to help them gain confidence in studies and help them get good results. For them, beside studies there are alot other things to be botered about. No money, separated parents, ill health, alot of complexities.. And I told myelf to help them as much as possible, go soft, go hard, give them some sense of belonging and want, at least by me..

Thinking through the history of my work low, it was always these low that provided me the push to do better. On my own, I'll tend to just slack and heck care since I'll still get by. That's my life.. I won't be the last, though I can't be the first either. So my smartness just get me through anything. Almost everything. But this time, I really just can't be bothered by the authorities- come and replace me if you are good, otherwise, shut the trap up. Notwithstanding, I am really working hard, do everything I can to try to help them. Maybe I haven't figured out the way yet, but I'm not giving up on them. They are my children.

[rap like Eminem] So all the trap-flicker, pls back out, pls back out.

Mentoring at Qihua have started. It's not easy. Mentees are not turning up and mentors without mentees are finding it a boring session. This programme is very important. It is the system that I'm trying to set up for the whole mentoring programme in Riverside and Qihua to ensure continuity. Anyone who comes in future to lead will only need to administer and seek ways to improve and need not worry about mentor supply. It is not fool-proof but it's the best I can think of now.

Everything is running up to my neck now. I'm a good swimmer and climber. No matter it be fluid or hard to come my way, I'll stay afloat.
4/8, Against All Odds!

SmileUp!